I haven't updated on my life in awhile...not that anyone really reads this anyway....but this is more of a rant than an update....heh

I feel like utter shit.

I missed school today....AGAIN...I missed last Friday because I was in so much pain. I missed today for the same reason....I feel like I'm permanently and terminally stuck with the flu or something...that's what it feels like. I don't want to die, but yet I don't want to be in pain every minute of every day for the rest of my life....that's the way its been for two or three years....ever since I was diagnosed with something, every single fucking day and night I've been in pain. Some days worse than others...but its always been there. The only time I was ever pain-free was when I got my wisdom teeth out...and I was on pain killers....It sucks too because doctors won't normally give out pain killers to patients such as myself....but DAMN I'm so fucking sick of being in pain. I constantly feel like I'm going to throw up, my whole body aches, I get the chills, I literally have migraines all the time, I'm always half awake...I haven't been fully awake since the 8th grade. Everyday I feel drugged and like someone's slowly pushing 10 inch needles into my abdomen or slowly beating me with a rubber hammer...hitting EVERY spot. I hate it. I hate genetic for giving me this disposition, I hate my body for slowly killing itself. Its probably not slowly killing itself...but its sure as hell attacking itself, and making sure I feel every ounce of pain possible. Yeas, this is yet another long entry. I am YET AGAIN home alone, with no one to talk to but myself and God, but I doubt he wants to hear my depressing, self-pitying whining right now. Ouch. I didn't get to see Katrina today. She's such an upliftment. She's going through shit right now, and she's been through more shit than I have...so she's a good listener and helper :} Like I've said before, she's the only reason (okay not the ONLY....) I feel sane and loved. She truly cares about me, in a sisterly way, and I love her for who she is. Although she does get on my nerves, I'm sure I get on HERS...haha....She's probably one of the only reasons I have what little faith left that I do. She inspires me to be a good person...a job that I don't do too well for myself....The other reason I feel sane and loved is my MOM. YEAS> THATS RIGHT> I SAID IT! Without her, Katrina, and Wesley, I'd be flat out fucked. My hand's cramping...and I have to PISS!!!! AHhh okay to relieve myself! Yea alright okay uh huh sure mmmmkay

*MUCH LOVE*

~BEANS~

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